What Can I Do To Help?

Recently I started thinking a lot about the past.  The bad parts of my past.  I have been able to forgive and move on with it all and nothing about any of it bothers me anymore.  However, lately, it's been on my mind.  I feel it's been put back into my mind as a reminder of what I've been through, not to haunt me, but to show me that I can use it all to help others.  I feel a calling to use my experiences to reach out to those in need.  Although, can I do that?  Is it too late?  When I was in twelfth grade I took a psychology class and loved it.  My teacher came up to me during class and told me I should look into studying psychology in college.  Aside from my English teachers who loved reading my fictional writings he was the only other teacher who saw potential in me and that meant so much.  I really had an interest in becoming a psychologist but my father quickly shot that dream down when he reminded me of how bad I was in school.  He wasn't wrong.  I didn't study much and didn't apply myself, but even when I did I had an awful time remembering what I had learned.  Becoming a psychologist would mean spending many years in college for my doctorate, or at least a master's degree.  I was barely a C average student. School was not for me.

My third grade teacher was mean and ruined my thoughts on school and on myself.  She was a very miserable person and from the first day of school wasn't afraid to show which students she was going to favor and which she was going to hate.  Now as an adult I can understand she must have had something seriously wrong with her to be so cruel to children and I've given her the forgiveness.  I also hope that someone, at some point, had the nerve to stand up and report her because I certainly didn't.  As a small child who was already living in an abusive home I already thought the worst of myself.  So when a teacher called me stupid and told me I would never amount to anything I believed it.  I already believed it but her words gave me more reason to believe it.  From that point on I stopped trying.  What was the point?  I was stupid and I was never going to be anything of importance so why bother?  Yeah, now I realize how much I wish I could have handled all of this so differently.  I wish when someone told me I couldn't do something I would have proved them wrong.  But no, that's not how I was as a child.  If you told me I couldn't I believed I couldn't.  I was stupid, after all.

I hated school but I hated being at home too.  As I wrote earlier, I was in an abusive home.  I really want to be careful with what I say here because I do not want to upset my father, who had worked so hard to change.  Whatever happened in the past is completely forgiven and we've moved forward.  No matter what, I always had a solid roof over my head, plenty to eat, and all the things I needed and even selfishly wanted.  I'm also thankful to have parents that were always there.  My dad could have walked away, as many dads do, but he stuck around.  He realized his mistakes and fixed them.  But as a small child the abuse was there.  Physically and mentally. I experienced things that a small child should never have to experience. 

I'm not sure if my depression is linked to any of the stuff that was going on in my childhood but for as long as I can remember I never felt happy.  I felt useless, miserable and sad all the time.  There are still days when I feel like I'm going to mentally come crashing down but I'm able to handle it better.  I no longer feel the urge to kill myself as I used to.  My faith in God has helped me through that.  I used to feel like I didn't belong here but realized that since God gave me life then He must want me here.  Although others have made fun of me for my belief they don't realize that knowing and trusting in the Lord is what keeps me going every single day.  I also realized that no matter what others think of me they aren't the ones I will be faced with at Heaven's Gate.  They are not the ones who have the final Judgement over me.  I am who I am.  I've lived through pain and suffering, I've made my own mistakes.  I'm so much of what others do not realize.  I never told many people about that third grade teacher.  I never even told my parents.  I don't speak often about the abuse I experienced and witnessed as a child.  There are so many other things I don't speak of.  But I feel like those things, even if they don't currently play a part in my life, could benefit the lives of others.  There are so many people suffering.  I want to help. 

I will be 41 in a few weeks and going back to college to get a psychology degree isn't impossible and it is never too late, however, it's not something I could consider.  That's something I wish I would have gone for years ago.  I believe that's just a calling I missed.  Plus, I don't really need a piece of paper telling me I spent years learning about the minds of people.  I have the experience.  I lived the life.  I believe that, in itself, is huge.  So, what can I do?  How can I be the person to help others?  Why am I feeling this push to do something?  I don't have those answers but I've been praying about it.  God is calling me to do something, I can feel it.  I'm just patiently waiting to see where all this takes me and I'm excited for it! 

The Busy Season

The picture is blurry.  It was taken indoors, with movement, and on a cell phone.  But I still love it.  My husband took this picture and texted it to me.  My son is the one with the ball.  I heard he did pretty good during tryouts.  I can't wait to watch him playing in the games.  Basketball is a new sport for our boy but I know he's going to do well and I'm already proud.  This boy has been playing baseball since the age of 5 and wants to continue playing in hopes to make it on a college team.  He also plays trumpet for the third year but I'm not sure if that's something he'll stick with once he reaches high school.  He completed cub scouts and is now in his first year with the boy scouts.  This active boy doesn't do well with just sitting still.  He'll ask to play video games but usually isn't on longer than fifteen minutes.  He'll turn on a television show and glance at it for about five minutes before going outside to play.  He wakes up with the energy and sometimes I have to plead with him to calm down.  In school he's quiet and not active at all but when he's home he's all over the place.  I shouldn't be mad about it knowing that there are a lot of boys who constantly sit around playing video games and watching television.  Seeing my kids active and not lazy is important and I'm glad it comes naturally for him. 

During the school year our weeks are crazy.  If there's homework they need to do it as soon as they get home but usually they either don't have homework or have the chance to do it in school.  They come in the door and grab a snack and are usually outside to meet with friends.  I prepare dinner early so we can eat before having to run the kids to wherever it is they need to be that day.  Monday is tap, Tuesday is scouts, Friday is praise and ballet.  Lately there have been basketball open gym and tryouts thrown in there and soon practice and games will start.  Then in the spring comes baseball.  There is nothing on schedule tonight so I'm looking forward to some rest with the family.  The schedule for this weekend is already packed with plans.  I love the busyness from this season of life and am soaking it all in because someday the kids will be grown and all of this rushing from here to there will be over.  I know I'll miss it. 

In the daytime while my husband is at work and the kids are in school I spend the day cleaning, grocery shopping, and spending three hours at my job in the cafeteria.  I feel rushed trying to get it all done and sometimes I feel anxiety when thinking of all that needs done.  This morning I felt a panic attack starting.  So, that's why I decided to take a break, do some deep breathing and just focus on something else for a moment.  The stuff that needs done will get done.  I have to stop worrying.  I really do enjoy the life that I live and the responsibilities I have.  It just feels disappointing when I spend so much time cleaning but then look around and notice that so much more needs done.  My kids are old enough to take care of their own messes and they do but it still doesn't feel like enough.  This too will be something that will change over time.  The dust will always come back, the floors will always need vacuumed, the dishes and laundry will always need washed ... but all of these toys will one day be gone.  The house will one day look more empty.  So I need to learn to enjoy the chaos because someday it's going to be different. 

I feel guilty when I stop to write in this blog, or when I take the dog for a walk around the neighborhood, or take a moment to read or exercise.  But those are things that are important for my mental and physical health.  We all need some me time, even during the busy season. 

Happy First Day Of Fall

Today is the first day of fall, although I think Mother Nature forgot to check the calendar because here in Pennsylvania we reached 90°.

This year I decided to wait until the first official day to start decorating.  A lot of people like to decorate in the beginning of September but as for me, I wanted to hold onto summer for as long as possible.  Today is autumn.  Today I can bring out the boxes from the attic and fill the house with everything orange, yellow, pumpkins and scarecrows.  I'm going to wait until October to put out the Halloween things.  I want to enjoy the seasons as they come.

Tonight B has her tap class.  This is her fifth year of dance.  M has basketball tryouts.  This will be his first year playing basketball.  He's also playing trumpet with the 6th grade band, in his first year of boy scouts and will be back to baseball in the spring.  Almost every evening is busy with some activity which means I have to get dinner prepared early and we all have to rush to eat it up.  It's important for us to have kids that are active but sometimes it feels like maybe they are too active.  That's better than sitting in front of screens all the time.  They go days without picking up a video game.  Although the television seems to be on more often than I'd like.  But, hey, they need that chance to chill out.  School for them both seems to be going well so far.

I've been spending a lot of time getting caught up on housework and also doing a ton of reorganizing and decluttering.  The downstairs, which is used as a playroom, is finally organized and looking more like a livable space rather than a storage area.  My goal was to have this house looking clean and organized and it's taking a lot of time but I'm finally seeing so much progress.  A messy house gives me so much anxiety.  I'm finding the less we have the better it is to keep things clean.

Even with everything going on we went out and purchased two new members of the family.

Meet Louie and Nutmeg.  The kids named them.  Since our rabbit died last year it's been quite a heartbreak for us, especially for my daughter.  After the kids held some guinea pigs at the fair a few weeks ago they've been asking if they can get their own.  The original plan was to get hamsters but they changed their minds and wanted these adorable babies.  They are so tiny but will grow to be full size guinea pigs in no time.  It was only yesterday when we brought them home so they are still scared and needing to get used to their new home.  I'm not sure what I got myself into but the kids are so happy with them.  I just hope they continue to want to care for them.