I had very little sleep last night and have been walking around like a zombie today. I still have enough energy to get by, with help from coffee, but I know at any moment I may crash. I'm sure I'll sleep good tonight.
What kept me awake? Possibly the thoughts, fears, as well as excitement of the fact that my son was going to get on the school bus for the very first time and start his first day of school. It's been an incredibly difficult thing for me to fathom. My son, my first-born, is now in elementary school. He's been practically attached to my hip every day since he was born and now I have to send him off for eight hours. Am I ready to let him have this independence? Certainly not. I worry about him. Is he okay? Is he having fun? Is he crying at the moment? Is he making friends? Is he being bullied? Is he scared? Is he happy? Oh the thoughts that have run through my mind all day. However, I can't let it beat me down. My kid is growing up just as it should be. This is life. I didn't bring children into the world so I could hold onto them forever. I have to let them go at some point. Yes, it's not as if they are adults leaving the nest ... yet ... but going off to school is almost as frightening. My son is no longer a baby needing my attention every moment of the day. He's growing and learning and as much as it makes me sad it also makes me happy. A bittersweet experience for sure.
Once I took him to his two hour orientation yesterday my mind became at ease. I saw how much the staff and teachers cared for the kids and how hard they tried to make the school a safe and comfortable place for everyone. It also helped Matthew become excited for this new milestone.
I feared he wasn't going to want to get on the bus but he happily followed a neighbor friend onto the bus and found a seat next to another friend he had. He smiled at me from the front seat and at that moment I knew he'd be okay. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would but the emotions were there. I took a moment and prayed, thanking God for giving me this child and for taking care of him. I realized that God will always look after my kids even when I'm not around them. I felt better knowing that.
In a few hours I'll be ready and waiting to get him off the bus and I can't wait to hear all about the first day. I'm sure he'll be tired and may not want to say much but I just can't wait to give him a hug and see that he's safe.
The blue visor has his name on it. The colored visors are a way of the staff knowing which teacher they go to after getting off the bus. I like the idea.
He's still my baby, always will be. I look at him and see how grown up he's becoming but yet he still seems so small. Too small to be in school. I can't fully accept it but I am sure I will eventually. It's time to let my baby bird spread his wings and fly.
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