Actions And Words Can Hurt

I was not looking forward to going back to work after my procedure and each day this week was exactly as I knew it would be.

It was nothing but the kids staring at me.  Some of them bumped into walls or almost spilled their trays because they were staring directly at me with a look of shock on their faces.

There were a lot of "what happened to your face?"

Then there were a few who felt the need to tell me my face looks disgusting.  Those two girls are in my daughters class and I didn't keep quiet with their teacher about it.

I don't mind the questions and the curiosity from children.  My face really does look horrible.  In the beginning of the week I kept a big bandage on my face but by the end of the week when the stitches came out I felt okay about just leaving it open.  I'm trying to make this healing process go as quickly as possible; however, I know there will be a scar for a very long time.  I just don't understand why anyone thinks staring at someone is appropriate.  I also find the "disgusting" comments to be very disrespectful and very inappropriate.  By the time you are in second grade you've heard it said enough times that bullying or any mean comments is not okay.  It was very hurtful, especially coming from kids I've worked with while volunteering in the classroom or being so nice to them during lunch.  I'm already feeling so depressed and down in the dumps over this whole procedure.  I look in the mirror and want to cry.  In fact, I have.  Then I dread those hours at work when I know the kids are going to stare and ask questions.  It reached a point that so many kids have asked and I just tell them to not worry about it.

It's not hard to show others kindness.  We have enough mean people in this world.  That's what I always tell my kids.

I also realize that a small spot of skin cancer on my face is nothing compared to what others go through.  I'm actually very thankful that it wasn't some other form of cancer or something else that could be life threatening.  I still have my health.  This was just the effects of loving the sun too much. 

Skin Cancer

I had a post written about my experience with having surgery to remove skin cancer but then I deleted it.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to have it posted publicly but here I am posting it again.  My blog is to share my experiences as something to look back on so this experience is a major part of my life.  It also makes as a good reminder of the importance of taking care of skin and protecting it from the sun.  I failed to do so and now I'm paying for it. 

Today was my first day back to work and back in the public since the surgery.  As expected there were a lot of stares and "what happened?" questions from the students.  It didn't bother me because I know children are curious.  I told them I had surgery and was covering up a boo boo.  I wonder why some kids think it's okay to stare but I just looked away and carried on with something else.  Plus, the job is only three hours so I was in and out of there.  It's a little embarrassing and a little uncomfortable to walk around like this.  But it is what it is.  I'm also kicking myself for having this surgery done just a few weeks before our big trip to Disney.  I'm going to have a nice looking scar for all the photos. 

The surgery was last Thursday.  Valentine's Day.  I made sure I bought some chocolates for the husband and kids but that's as far as I went with celebrating.  My husband did a wonderful job of taking care of me and spoiling all of us that day.  We woke up extra early and they dropped me off at the doctor, and then my husband made sure the kids made it to school before returning to the doctor's office.  I was scheduled to have the Moh's Surgery and it went well.  I was told it could take 2 - 4 hours.  First the doctor had to remove the cancer that he saw, spend some time looking under a microscope to see if it was all gone while I was in the waiting room for an hour and a half and then I was called back to see if more needed removed.  Luckily it only took that one round and all they had to do was stitch me up.  When it was all over my husband took me home and I was just too exhausted and depressed to do anything so I crawled in my bed and turned on the television.  A nap would have been nice but I wasn't able to fall asleep until a few hours later.  The kids had an early dismissal and my husband kept them entertained while I rested.  I spent the rest of the evening laying in bed with ice on my face.  Except for when I enjoyed a delicious dinner made by my sweetheart. 

Friday was a scheduled in-service day so the kids were home from school.  I was still feeling very tired but did my best to be there for the kids while I rested.  My daughter did a great job at wanting to help out and made sure I didn't do any housework.  That was my entire weekend.  Just resting in bed with an ice pack on my face.  I also wanted to just hide from the world.  I missed my son's last Pinewood Derby with the cub scouts and I also missed church.  I just hid in my room watching Gilmore Girl episodes on Netflix.  That was a pretty horrible weekend.

Today is President's Day and we were supposed to have the day off but because of missing a day from snow last week today was the makeup day.  I would have really loved that extra day off.  I went into work and tried my best to hide as much as I could in the kitchen but I was also working at the trash can so I would have to see every student that threw out their lunch.  I received a lot of stares and some "what happened to you?"  I explained that I had surgery.  They understood.  It didn't bother me as much as I anticipated.  I have a white bandage covering the incision and it's pretty ridiculous looking.  It's only temporary.  Then I'll have a scar for awhile.  I would have really like to have waited until summer vacation to get this done but it's done now.  At least the skin cancer has been removed.  There is no guarantee it will not come back but from this point on I will do a lot better at taking care of myself.

And here it is, if you can stand it.

The mark is lightening up and the dissolvable stitches are starting to come off.   I'm hoping this experience will teach my children that when I tell them they need to put sunscreen on before going outside that they will now understand why. 

It's Time To Write

It's the second day in a row where the kids are off school due to weather.  My kids are currently absorbed in an old episode of Garfield and I'm sitting here on the couch next to them typing this up.  It's been a mess of snow and freezing rain outside and the days of school missed will be made up next Monday and in April.  I love the quality time with my kids these days off brings but I also like a normal routine.  Tomorrow will be a normal schedule, hopefully.  On Thursday will be a scheduled early dismissal and we've arranged to have my parents watch the kids.  I will be going under the knife finally getting the skin cancer on my face removed.  Everyone expects me to be scared and I don't feel scared.  I feel annoyed at myself for not having taken better care of myself.  I'm so adamant with my kids about wearing sun screen every time they step outside but I've neglected myself.  Now I'm paying for it.  Friday is a scheduled teacher in-service day and I'm thankful for that.  With a big bandage on my face I plan to go into hiding for awhile.  I have other spots of skin cancer too.  Ugh. 

In the middle of so much chaos that's going on in my life I've been feeling strongly led to start going forward with a childhood dream of mine.  I have always wanted to be a writer.  I mean, a novelist.  I have put that dream on the back burner for a long time but when I turned 40 I realized that if I'm going to make this dream a reality I better do so now.  I have many ideas in my head but it's hard to figure out how to make a story go from beginning to end.  I took some time to really think about an idea and have even prayed about it.  Then it hit me.  I have a book idea in my head.  Every word and every detail.  It has a purpose.  It's inspirational.  It's exactly what my first novel should be.  I'm excited. 

I've already managed to get through most of the first chapter and I know where I'm going to take the story next.  It's so amazing.  My problem is finding the time to get it all down.  It's going to take some time and when the writing part is done it's going to be an adventure finding a publisher.  I'm prepared for heartache.  I'm prepared for failure.  But I'm not going to give up.  I also would love to see this accomplished while my parents are both still alive to see it and, considering my mother's condition, time is ticking. 

This book is going to be an inspiration fiction novel for the young adult audience, but I'm hoping even older adults can take something away from it.  This will be a faith-based book but I promise not to get too preachy in it.  In my book I outline the question that we all have asked at one time or another - Why does God allow certain things to happen?  In doing so, I'm creating a sixteen year old character who is going through some tough things. 

I'm going to take some of my own personal experiences and mix it with others.  Everything that could be relatable to anyone.  I feel this is a story I'm really called to write and I'm excited about it.  I'm giving myself to the end of the year to have it all finished, which gives me enough time to write a little here and there.  I have far too many priorities that come first; however, this is on my bucket list. 

This week we celebrate Valentines Day and even though I'll be spending the morning in surgery I am going to do my best at making it a good day for the husband and kids.  My parents are going to join my daughter for lunch in the classroom (it's a surprise) and then take both kids home.  I'm not sure what kind of mood I'll be in after the surgery and I'm sure I'll want to hide my bandaged face but I'll have some goodies waiting for everyone.  Wish me luck!

By the way, HI ROB! 

It's Monday, Again!

In 50 minutes the kids will be getting off the bus and I wonder what happened to the day?  As busy as things get I love taking a time out to sit back and relax in peace and quiet.  I love my me time.  The mornings always start with two energetic and loud children and it will be that way again shortly.  So before I dive back into more housework I wanted to give myself a few moments to sit back and enjoy the silence while blogging and reading up on some of my favorite blogs.   

 This is how my daughter felt about the super bowl.  She is not someone who enjoys sport and gets so annoyed whenever the boys turn on a game.  We usually go into my bedroom and watch one of her girly shows in there but I wanted to stay in the living room and watch the game.  I'm not much for football either and now I'm glad it's over.  I love that my husband and son have that common interest in sports and it's so cute to hear their conversations about it ... but ... I'm glad football season is over.  Thank you, next!

I'm more of a baseball fan and it won't be long before we will be sitting in the sun watching my son play or going to our city's minor league games.  I enjoy the sport but I also enjoy the fresh air.

Last week we reached single digit temperatures and today it's sunny and in the 50's.  It was nice to not have to put on the heavy coat.  I even had the back door open for just a little bit to let some fresh air in and all the germs out.  My kids have been fighting a little something and my husband ended up getting sick this weekend.  This is what happens when the temps are back and forth.  I'm really hoping I'm able to avoid whatever is floating through the air.  Today at work I turned around and saw a fourth grader sitting at the lunch table coughing terribly and NOT covering his mouth.  Ugh.  I hate that.  This is how germs spread.

Today has been a very productive day.  As soon as I put the kids on the bus I got busy with housework.  I vacuumed, dusted, did some laundry, etc.  Over the weekend I did a deep cleaning in my bedroom and started on some reorganizing.  In our room I have a few piles of things clumped in the corners.  I so badly want all of that gone.  I cleared my side of the room and now it's time to go through the other side.  My goal is to see a house that is free of as much clutter as possible.  No more piles.  No more things laying around that we do not use on a daily basis.  Messes and clutter seem to be what gives me anxiety.  I really don't know how any woman is able to keep a spotless house, especially when there are children.  My kids love leaving toys and stuff everywhere and I have to constantly remind them to put everything away.  They are also good at leaving toothpaste all over the counter.  This morning I noticed smear marks on the bathroom mirror and, of course, neither wanted to take responsibility for it.  It's endless.  Every day is a battle of some sort with no end in sight.  I frustrate myself so much with how much cleaning needs done but then I remind myself that there will come a day when the kids will be grown up and all of these toys will be gone and the house will be clean ... and boring.  I can even remember before having kids how clean and empty the house felt.  It will get that way again and I'm sure I will feel depressed about it.  So for now I have to soak it all up and enjoy life for what it is.  Although I would really like to enjoy it all in the midst of a clean and organized home.

First Day Of February

The snow has been falling all day.  I'm shocked that there were no school delays, closings or early dismissals.  Schools are usually so quick to close, even if it's just a warning that snow is on it's way.  But today snow is falling and covering and yet school was in session.  Personally, I don't mind it and I pray everyone makes it home safely but having a school day on a day like his is unusual.

This has been quite a week.  The kids got out early on Tuesday, Wednesday was a 2-hour delay and Thursday was a 3-hour delay.  The school is doing all they can to avoid school closings this year.  Most of the time the closings are unnecessary but I'm all for putting the safety of the kids first.  I also love my quiet time and I'm glad to have some of that today.

When I came home from work I went outside with the dog.  I was hoping to play around with him a bit but he quickly did his business and rushed back into the house.  Snow is not fun for a pug, I guess.  Staying inside under the covers is more his style.  I can't say I blame him. 

Now it's time to get some housework done until the kids get home.  The house is filled with the smell of freshly baked chocolate brownies. 

Winter Wonderland

This is what we are currently experiencing. 

Missing The Baby Stage

Parenting was so much easier when my children were babies and toddlers.  Of course, it didn't feel very easy then.  Getting up all hours of the night, dealing with the fussiness and crying, having to hold them as I tried to clean because they refused to be put down.  I remember those days feeling so long and exhausting but now I would love to go back. 

They were so tiny and delicate then.   What made this stage the easiest was the fact they they were too young to walk, talk back, and be away from me.  I worked a full-time office job until the oldest was born and then I became a stay-at-home mom.  What an amazing journey it's been and one I'm so thankful for.   Being the full-time caregiver to my children was so important to me and my husband.  It wasn't easy, especially financially.  We had to make a lot of sacrifices and there were days when we weren't sure if the bills would get paid on time, but somehow, it worked out.  God always looked out for us.

 Now the kids are only 7 and 11 and I know that's still very young.  They are both elementary school age and both still constantly tell me how much they love me and greet me with hugs and kisses.  They still play with toys and love spending time with me.  The hard part is having to send them to school.  It's those 7 hours I don't know what they are doing and if they are okay, minus the 20 minutes during school time I get to see them at lunch in the cafeteria.  They also have friends that invite them over and I let them go.  Sending them off to someone else's house is hard.  When they were babies I would get together with my friends and their kids.  Now that they are in school they are making their own friends and these friends ask if they can come over.  Of course, I must meet the parents first and if I feel comfortable enough I'll let them have those play dates.  Putting my trust in other adults to watch my kids is not something I'm used to.  I always loved playing with friends when I was a kid and I want them to have friendships too.

They are also involved in after school activities.  My son plays baseball and is in the scouts.  My daughter takes dance classes.  I want them to be active and I enjoy being their biggest fan.

The thing is, lately I've been thinking about how these years are going by so fast and this time I have with them as young children will fade away pretty quickly.  In only a few years my oldest will be a teenager.  Yikes, I'm not ready for it.  My heart feels so heavy whenever I think about the teenage years.  I'm not ready for it.  Is any parent ever ready for it, though?  Every time my son gives me a hug and pulls me down so he can kiss my cheek I realize it won't be long before he stops doing that.  So I'm embracing it and I'm loving it.  I wish I could keep my kids small forever.  I wish I could keep them at home with me all the time so I know they are always safe.  However, ...

They are not mine to keep.  My job as a parent is to make sure I raise them to be independent, self-sufficient adults.  I won't always be around so they have to learn what exactly to do with life on their own.  As challenging as it is I always try to have them do the things they can do for themselves.  They are individuals who belong to God and are only given to me temporarily as their earthly parent.  I have such a huge responsibility in providing for them, loving them, and educating them.  Parenting is the biggest responsibility, the craziest challenge, and the greatest blessing.  I'm so lucky to have these two in my life.  I just wish time would slow down just a bit.