27 Years In Pennsylvania

This month marks 27 years since my parents and I have moved to Pennsylvania from Long Island, New York.  A lot has happened in these 27 years.  I currently feel grateful for my experiences here but in the beginning of the move and many years after I felt so hurt over it.

My brother and sisters are a lot older than I am.  My brother was married and having children while I was still a toddler, my oldest sister was married when I was in second grade and my other sister graduated high school when I was still playing with dolls and using my imagination.  Then I entered junior high and was allowed to wear makeup and hang out with friends at the mall and movies without adult supervision.  I was finally feeling like I was growing up.  I enjoyed school and was getting A's and B's.  My best friend was Merissa, who on the first day of 7th grade looked at me and said, "hey, do you want to be my best friend?"  We spent a lot of time together either at my house or hers or walking around the mall or seeing the latest movie.  It was definitely a great year and I was looking forward to moving up to 8th grade with my friends and then heading to high school and graduate from the same high school my brother and sisters did.  In my mind I thought I was going to stay in the same house until I was ready to leave it.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

New York is expensive, money was tight.  My parents put all their money into a business that didn't work out.  My dad, a retired police officer, worked as a car salesman and my mom had her own house cleaning business, but none of that was enough to make ends meet.  My grandparents lived with us and moved to Pennsylvania so my grandma could be close to her sister, my Great Aunt Alice.  After my parents visited them they decided it was best for us to move there too.  It was a much cheaper state.  My parents could sell the house, buy a house here without having a mortgage, still need to work but could relax.  The first family who looked at the house decided to buy it.  So, with my brother-in-law driving the moving van and with me in the backseat of our Oldsmobile Calais with our Boston Terrier we were on our way to our new life in Lancaster, PA.

I hated it.  I absolutely hated it.  We spent a few months in an apartment and I started 8th grade in a middle school filled with snobs.  I did make a handful of friends but everyone looked at me as if I was an alien from another planet.  People weren't so kind to New Yorkers around here.  Some people easily adjust to moving.  I didn't.  Then when we found a house and moved in I had to change school districts.  I hated that too.  Again, I made some friends, but I also experienced many hard things.

It wasn't all that bad but it wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted to be on Long Island with my friends and my family.  I felt robbed.  That led to years of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Now, 27 years later, I focus more on the positives.  I've met a lot of great people here.  If I hadn't lived here I wouldn't have met my husband and we wouldn't have brought our two children into the world.  I do believe they were brought into this world for a reason.  Whatever the reason, God has a plan for them.  If all I went through was only to bring them into the world then I am grateful for the experiences. 

I also realize that being out of Long Island means no beaches but we do have this view of the Susquehanna River. 

These photos were taken while my son and I were hiking together.

I truly believe that life is what we make it.  I wish I could have realized that 27 years ago.  When I go back to Long Island it doesn't feel like my home anymore but it wasn't meant to be my home.  Also, home doesn't have to be the place where you were born.  Anywhere can be made a home.  It's sad to know we aren't close enough to family where my kids can be with their cousins.  That's one of the many things we miss out on.  We have each other though and that's enough.  I'm thankful for that.

We've traveled to many places and many states but when I go back to Long Island I feel a little disgusted as to how run down it's become.  I'm glad I left it.  If I stayed until adulthood I probably would have left it anyway.  A lot of people have.  I only wish that my attitude was different as a teenager here in PA.  I hated it here, refused to see the good in it.  Now at 40 years old I see things differently and with a better perspective.  My only regret now is not having a better attitude from the very beginning of the move.  I can't change the past but I can only be better from here on out.

Thank you God for almost three decades in this beautiful state.  I'm done taking it for granted. 

Girls Week and Scout Camp

Last week the guys ventured off to boy scout camp, which left us girls at home.  We called it Girls Week and it's been the best girls week we ever had together.  I wanted to make sure I kept my daughter busy.  After the two skin cancer surgeries and a lot of time hiding my face at home it was nice to finally get out again. 

The boys left on Sunday and we went to the grocery store to get food and snacks for the week.  That night was a terrible storm that knocked the power out so we read books and made crafts by flashlight. 

On Monday I had registered her for a cupcake making class in the next county and she was so excited about it.  We were expecting more storms with flash flooding and I was concerned about it but we made it there and back with only light drizzling.  She had a good time.  She received some lemonade, cupcakes, icing and someone who instructed her and the other kids on how to create unicorn and rainbow cupcakes.  They turned out pretty great for a 7 year old who has never used a piping bag before.  I was impressed. 

She's never been a fan of cupcakes and didn't like the taste of these but the experience was fun and well worth the price. 

On Tuesday we stayed home so I could do some housecleaning.  She watched some movies, we read books and did some crafts.  She reached her 800 minute reading goal for the summer reading club at the library, which was pretty impressive.  She's never managed to get it done this quickly before. 

On Wednesday we headed back to the next county for some shopping at the mall and a visit to my parents house.  She went swimming in their pool and we had burgers made by my father.  Then we went to see Annie at a dinner theater.  My dad purchased these tickets as an early birthday present for her. 

Annie was one of my favorite movies when I was a child.  I watched it over and over again to the point that it annoyed my parents.  On Tuesday night we watched the movie and I remembered every word.  The live show was a bit different and very well done.  She loved it! 

On Thursday we worked on some Legos that we purchased at the mall and then I took her to a bouncy place that we haven't been to in years.  It was the final big thing we did.  Later that evening we made brownies to surprise the boys. 

On Friday her dad picked her up and took her to the camp so she could spend the day there with them.  That gave me a chance to stay home and get some cleaning done because we left quite a mess from girls week.  I love my quiet time but I was already missing her and that fun girl time we had.  I was also missing my guys.  They came back Friday evening.  They brought me back a coffee mug and a lot of stinky, dirty laundry. 

The guys went on and on about how much fun camp was.  Even my husband had a great week.  I'm so glad I signed our son up for the scouts.  He seems to really love it and it's taught him so much and gives him a chance to make friends with common interests. 

I'm thankful my husband texted pictures throughout the week. 

 

This week my son's been going to band camp for school.  He has also found interest in playing the trumpet and learned pretty quickly.  On Friday he will put on a performance for us at the school.  

Today the girl had a dentist appointment to get some cavities drilled.  I really felt bad that she had to go through this.  It makes me feel that I'm not getting the mother of the year award for sure.  I really do try to make sure they stay on top of their dental hygiene and I hope this is the last experience she will have like this.  I was so nervous because she's always been very sensitive to pain, except those few times she got stung by a bee.  She has no reaction to bee stings but will cry and whine about everything else.  So, I was scared for her.  I thought she was going to throw a fit but she surprised me.  She even shocked the dentist who told her she was the best child patient he ever had.  He thanked me for raising such great kids.  They really are great and I'm super proud.  She sat in the chair and was completely still the entire time.  The dentist couldn't believe it.  He's always telling me stories of other kids who have come into his office and has always seemed impressed that mine are so well behaved.  She's been bugging me to allow her to get her ears pierced so I told her if she behaved for her appointment she could get it done.  It worked!  Then on the way home I bought them milk shakes.  I guess I'll have to figure out what day we can go get those ears pierced.  

I'm so proud of my kids.  They're amazing individuals.   

Skin Cancer Surgery Number Three

Last Tuesday I woke up early and started the day at the dermatologist.  He did the Mohs Surgery, which is when he digs up the cancer and then I sit in the waiting room for about an hour while he looks under a microscope to see if he got it all.  The waiting room was filled with older patients and I was the youngest one.  It took 4 times before the doctor was able to remove it all.  I was late for my 11:30am appointment at the plastic surgeon but when I arrived it didn't take long before I was prepped and in the operating room.  Fortunately with the plastic surgeon I was put into a Twilight Anesthesia.  I laid on the operating table and suddenly woke up in the recovery room.  They had to do a skin graft, removing some skin from behind my ear and putting it on the spot under my eye. 

I was able to remove the bandage today and it's an ugly mess.  I have a routine of eye drops, Tylenol and cream to apply to the incisions.  Around my eye is bruised, stitched and bloody.  It's an awful experience.  No, I'm not posting any pictures of my face.  Not for awhile. 

There are more spots that have appeared since first being diagnosed with skin cancer.  I'm not sure what is going on and it's becoming very frustrating.  It's also concerning, especially since the doctor can't figure out what is going on.  He told me about a study that is going to take place involving a new cream and he thinks I'm a good candidate for it.  I've been praying that I'm able to get this cream.  At this point I'm willing to try anything.  I don't think I can take anymore surgeries and the doctor doesn't want me to have to keep going through it either. 

The kids spent a few nights with my parents and came home today.  I've been resting as much as possible but getting antsy.  This hasn't been a fun and active summer but I've managed to get some reading done and start a scrapbook on our Disney trip.  

What's going to happen to my future is only known by God and I'm putting my faith in Him. 

Why Blog?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing in a blog.  It's something I've enjoyed doing for many years, but is there a point?  I mean, I love writing, have loved writing since I was little, but doing it in a blog on the internet?  It's not like I have a lot of readers and certainly don't have anyone leaving comments ever.  When I was blogging on Xanga there was a huge community of people who read my posts and replied and I would do the same for them.  I got a chance to meet people from all over the country and even other countries like England.  It was pretty cool.  I would write about my day and people would leave comments.  I started on Xanga in 2002 shortly after I was married and continued until they shut down in about 2012, or somewhere around then.  I loved having a place where I could share my experiences during pregnancy and raising a child.  Then Xanga announced they were going to charge it's users and everyone split, but eventually I guess the site completely shut down.  Luckily I saved all of my writings in a zip file.  Then I tried Wordpress and then Blogger.  Wordpress and Blogger certainly don't have the same community as Xanga and even those other users who I managed to stay in touch with via Facebook complain that they miss it.

So, why do I keep going?

Well, honestly, writing has always been an escape for me.  It's an enjoyment.  As a child I filled notebooks with stories until my dad bought me a typewriter.  Oh, I loved that thing!  Then in high school came my very first Packard Bell computer.  I typed on that thing like crazy.  Then we got hooked into the world wide web and then all I did was email and instant messaged people.  After I got married, during a time when my husband was working night shift on the weekends, I discovered Xanga and the blogging world.  I started writing something, I can't even remember what, and next thing you knew people were leaving comments.  I got sucked into it, but not as an addiction or anything.  Just something for fun to kill time.  We lived in a tiny apartment, which didn't take a lot of time to clean.  I probably could have found something more productive to do, but writing had always been something I clung to.  I used to keep a journal but I have a hard time actually writing.  My hand hurts after awhile.  That's why I don't keep my own personal journal anymore, although that would be cool.  So, I blogged and said things for all to read and I got a chance to jump into the minds of other writers. 

Even though a lot of those writers have stopped I have managed to keep on going.  I like it.  It's fun.  Also, since my mother has Alzheimer's I realize how precious the memory is.  I even forget things.  Sometimes I go back on my writings and remember moments I forgot.

But it seems silly, doesn't it?  I'm sure my husband thinks so.  But it's good for me.  So, I continue.

I've always wanted to be a published author and even though that dream has taken a seat on the back burner the desire to write a book hasn't faded.  A few months ago I started asking myself if it was time.  I'm forty years old and even if that still seems young I want to be able to have something published while my parents are still alive.  I prayed about it.  I asked God for wisdom in what I could write about.  Then an idea popped in my head.  I sat on my bed and contemplated how the story would go and I was able to come up with something from start to finish.  I grabbed my laptop and quickly typed up a few paragraphs and when I read through it I was like wow that's pretty good.    Yesterday my husband took the kids to church and I stayed home, since I'm still not feeling up to being in the public eye since surgery.  As I was trying to find something to do an idea popped into my head that I could include in the book.  Then I started typing away.  I love how it's going so far.  I also have another idea that I have yet to jot down and I'll get to it soon.  I'm so excited about this.  I'm not sure if the book will be complete by the end of the year but that's my goal.  Being a busy mom doesn't allow me a lot of down time but luckily my kids are becoming pretty independent and like to do their own things.  Like right now, for instance, I'm on the couch typing this up while they are downstairs in the playroom having fun with each other and their toys.  Also, this is a summer of surgeries and recovery so I will be experiencing a lot of down time.  I'm excited about this!  Will it be good enough to actually catch the eyes of a publisher?  I'm not sure but I'm not that far ahead in the planning. 

So, maybe my blogging has lost that community of followers but I'm still writing for me. 

Skin Cancer Surgery Number Two

Last Thursday I went into the dermatologist to have the second of three surgeries scheduled to remove this awful skin cancer I've been going through. Laying there while he scraped the tumor on my numb face and then waiting in the waiting room for over an hour while he made sure it was all gone, then finding out I had to go back to get a little more removed ... it was awful.  Then my eye was bandaged and I was sent home to deal with feeling very uncomfortable.  The spot was under my eye, you know the part where you put eye liner on?  Yeah, that's not been a good feeling.  The next day I had to go to an eye surgeon for reconstructive surgery.  Luckily, I was put to sleep for that.  It's the first time I've ever had that kind of anesthesia before and I was a little nervous.  I laid myself on the operating table and suddenly I woke up sitting on a chair in the recovery room.  Whoa!  The next 48 hours my eye was covered in a bandage and I was able to remove it on Sunday.  I've been icing the eye and putting in eye drops and cream.  I had a bad reaction to the pain medicine, but I haven't really needed it anyway.  It's been rough.  The kids spent five days with my parents and came home yesterday.  I can't drive for a week.  My husband went back to work today.  Stitches come out Friday.  So, the start of summer has been miserable for me. 

In a few weeks I go back to have the other eye done.  This time the spot is on my eye lid and I'm nervous about that.  I'll have to do the reconstructive surgery again because during the time the dermatologist removes the tumor he'll be removing the eye lid too.

A lot of people have been telling me that they've had skin cancer but I have yet to hear of a case like mine.  Even the doctor can't figure out why I keep having spots popping up.  It shouldn't be this way.  He thinks it may be a genetic disorder but can't know for sure until I have genetic testing.  This could be something that will stop at some point or this may be something I'll have for the rest of my life.  I really don't think I have the strength to continue with these surgeries.  I'm not sure my body could handle it.  It's a scary thing to think about but I've been giving this all to God and having faith that He will help.  He knows my future and all I can do is trust in him.  Honestly, this experience has drawn me closer to Him.  It's also brought my marriage closer.  I talked about feeling a disconnection to my marriage but recently things have made a sudden change.  Things are good between us.  It's great.  Speaking of my husband, he's doing so great at caring for me.  It's funny because he's usually the one having the surgeries and I'm the one being the caregiver but now the table has turned.  He's been so good and taking over and caring for me.

Those flowers pictured are from my daughter's second grade teacher.  Her and I have been keeping in touch over the summer and she went to her dance recital.  The nice thing about working in the school is becoming friends with the teachers and staff there.  Our neighbors brought us dinner last night and lots of friends have reached out offering help if needed.   It's really nice to know people care. 

My eye is swollen.  It looks like I was in a boxing match.  But it will heal.  I'm feeling thankful that these surgeries could happen in the summer when I'm off work.  I can't drive all week. 

This hasn't been a fun experience but I know it could be so much worse. 

The Trials of Marriage

This guy just turned 40 and we also recently celebrated 17 years of marriage.  That's 17 years of blessings, trials, forgiveness, and lots of lessons.  This guy is someone I get to call my best friend as well as husband.  He's always been the one who could make me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing at all ... but these days with adulthood bringing on lots of stresses and worries it's hard to find that time to laugh too often anymore.  Both of us struggle to find patience and calmness.  It's something we both need to work on so we can better handle this stage of life we are in.  You know, the stage where he spends 8 hours at work and then comes home and has to eat a quick meal I've had to put together early so that he can rush out the door to take our son to either baseball or scouts, or I have to rush to take our daughter to dance.  Then we all gather again in the evening but we are too busy spending time with the kids and getting them to follow their nighttime routine.  By the end of the night we sit on the couch together and enjoy some peace and quiet while watching television before bed.  At that point I'm too tired for anything ... and I mean ... anything. 

Then we wake up and do it all over again.  And again.  And again.

We focus so much on the kids and on the house and along the way we are drifting apart.  I'm drifting.  It's just been hard.  I know this is typical for a lot of married couples.   I've always felt that the couple need to always stay close and connected, especially during the years of raising children.  Children can be so consuming of us in many ways and it's easy to neglect the spouse. When the children are grown and it's just the two of us again, if we fail to stay connected, the spark in our marriage will go out.  That's a very dangerous thing.  I can feel the spark flickering and it's challenging.  There are moments when I want to hug him and love on him and there are moments when I just want to be left alone.

In my personal life I managed to find my relationship with God getting stronger and I've been focusing on that lately more than anything.  I feel it's so important.  I go to him in prayer often and ask for all sorts of help in every aspect of my life.  I've really been praying for my marriage and for me to be able to see my husband through His [God's] eyes.  During my prayers so much has been revealed to me.  Things like what I could do to strengthen our marriage during this stage of our lives and my eyes have been opening to understand and focus on the demands my husband has in his life. 

He works a full-time job and there were times when he worked a second part-time job on top of it.  He takes charge of all the bill paying, which means he also handles the stress of finances.  That's a big job.  He also comes home tired and to a house that isn't always the cleanest and the kids are sometimes fighting.  He also suffers with arthritis and is always in pain.  He looks into my tired eyes and begs for something I can do to relieve his pain and often he gets a no and that can be frustrating to him.  I haven't really taken too much time to look deeply into his eyes and focus on his needs.  He begs for intimacy because it's a way we can get close and reconnect, but without the emotional connection it's so hard for me to get into the physical connection.  It's something I need to work on because with all he does he deserves something he yearns for.  I understand it now and I'm working on it.

We'll get there.  We will get back on track.  I know it's going to have to start with me and with the help of God.  He deserves so much more than what he's been given.  We may have gotten off track but it's going to be okay.  It's the trials of marriage.  We all go through it.

He's a wonderful man, husband and father. I'm going to make sure he has a pretty awesome Father's Day. 

The Greatest Circus

She did it!

After a year of driving back and forth to the dance studio for classes, picture day, and the rehearsals it was time for her show.  These kids worked so hard all year and put on a fantastic performance called "The Greatest Circus."

This was my girl's fourth year of dancing and she wants to keep going.  I'm so proud of her.  She does so well with keeping up with the dancers that are a bit older and taller than her.  I was able to snap some pictures during dress rehearsal since we aren't really supposed to be taking them during the actual show.

The first night of rehearsal was for the first act, which was all ballet.  The second day was the second act, which was everything else.  This year, aside from ballet, she performed in Praise 1 and Tap.

I enjoy watching these shows so much.  I'm thrilled that my daughter loves to dance and wants to keep going.  This is something I gave up as a child and later regretted it.  I'm sure if she ever tells me she wants to stop I'll be crushed but it's whatever she wants.  So far she's eager to keep going until graduation.  She's so good and I know she'll get better.  Dance isn't easy and this year she learned about quick costume changes. 

We watched along with my parents and her second grade teacher and husband.  We are so thankful for everyone who can be a part of our childrens' lives. 

And now that we are done with baseball and dance we can rest just a little bit.