Why Blog?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing in a blog.  It's something I've enjoyed doing for many years, but is there a point?  I mean, I love writing, have loved writing since I was little, but doing it in a blog on the internet?  It's not like I have a lot of readers and certainly don't have anyone leaving comments ever.  When I was blogging on Xanga there was a huge community of people who read my posts and replied and I would do the same for them.  I got a chance to meet people from all over the country and even other countries like England.  It was pretty cool.  I would write about my day and people would leave comments.  I started on Xanga in 2002 shortly after I was married and continued until they shut down in about 2012, or somewhere around then.  I loved having a place where I could share my experiences during pregnancy and raising a child.  Then Xanga announced they were going to charge it's users and everyone split, but eventually I guess the site completely shut down.  Luckily I saved all of my writings in a zip file.  Then I tried Wordpress and then Blogger.  Wordpress and Blogger certainly don't have the same community as Xanga and even those other users who I managed to stay in touch with via Facebook complain that they miss it.

So, why do I keep going?

Well, honestly, writing has always been an escape for me.  It's an enjoyment.  As a child I filled notebooks with stories until my dad bought me a typewriter.  Oh, I loved that thing!  Then in high school came my very first Packard Bell computer.  I typed on that thing like crazy.  Then we got hooked into the world wide web and then all I did was email and instant messaged people.  After I got married, during a time when my husband was working night shift on the weekends, I discovered Xanga and the blogging world.  I started writing something, I can't even remember what, and next thing you knew people were leaving comments.  I got sucked into it, but not as an addiction or anything.  Just something for fun to kill time.  We lived in a tiny apartment, which didn't take a lot of time to clean.  I probably could have found something more productive to do, but writing had always been something I clung to.  I used to keep a journal but I have a hard time actually writing.  My hand hurts after awhile.  That's why I don't keep my own personal journal anymore, although that would be cool.  So, I blogged and said things for all to read and I got a chance to jump into the minds of other writers. 

Even though a lot of those writers have stopped I have managed to keep on going.  I like it.  It's fun.  Also, since my mother has Alzheimer's I realize how precious the memory is.  I even forget things.  Sometimes I go back on my writings and remember moments I forgot.

But it seems silly, doesn't it?  I'm sure my husband thinks so.  But it's good for me.  So, I continue.

I've always wanted to be a published author and even though that dream has taken a seat on the back burner the desire to write a book hasn't faded.  A few months ago I started asking myself if it was time.  I'm forty years old and even if that still seems young I want to be able to have something published while my parents are still alive.  I prayed about it.  I asked God for wisdom in what I could write about.  Then an idea popped in my head.  I sat on my bed and contemplated how the story would go and I was able to come up with something from start to finish.  I grabbed my laptop and quickly typed up a few paragraphs and when I read through it I was like wow that's pretty good.    Yesterday my husband took the kids to church and I stayed home, since I'm still not feeling up to being in the public eye since surgery.  As I was trying to find something to do an idea popped into my head that I could include in the book.  Then I started typing away.  I love how it's going so far.  I also have another idea that I have yet to jot down and I'll get to it soon.  I'm so excited about this.  I'm not sure if the book will be complete by the end of the year but that's my goal.  Being a busy mom doesn't allow me a lot of down time but luckily my kids are becoming pretty independent and like to do their own things.  Like right now, for instance, I'm on the couch typing this up while they are downstairs in the playroom having fun with each other and their toys.  Also, this is a summer of surgeries and recovery so I will be experiencing a lot of down time.  I'm excited about this!  Will it be good enough to actually catch the eyes of a publisher?  I'm not sure but I'm not that far ahead in the planning. 

So, maybe my blogging has lost that community of followers but I'm still writing for me. 

Skin Cancer Surgery Number Two

Last Thursday I went into the dermatologist to have the second of three surgeries scheduled to remove this awful skin cancer I've been going through. Laying there while he scraped the tumor on my numb face and then waiting in the waiting room for over an hour while he made sure it was all gone, then finding out I had to go back to get a little more removed ... it was awful.  Then my eye was bandaged and I was sent home to deal with feeling very uncomfortable.  The spot was under my eye, you know the part where you put eye liner on?  Yeah, that's not been a good feeling.  The next day I had to go to an eye surgeon for reconstructive surgery.  Luckily, I was put to sleep for that.  It's the first time I've ever had that kind of anesthesia before and I was a little nervous.  I laid myself on the operating table and suddenly I woke up sitting on a chair in the recovery room.  Whoa!  The next 48 hours my eye was covered in a bandage and I was able to remove it on Sunday.  I've been icing the eye and putting in eye drops and cream.  I had a bad reaction to the pain medicine, but I haven't really needed it anyway.  It's been rough.  The kids spent five days with my parents and came home yesterday.  I can't drive for a week.  My husband went back to work today.  Stitches come out Friday.  So, the start of summer has been miserable for me. 

In a few weeks I go back to have the other eye done.  This time the spot is on my eye lid and I'm nervous about that.  I'll have to do the reconstructive surgery again because during the time the dermatologist removes the tumor he'll be removing the eye lid too.

A lot of people have been telling me that they've had skin cancer but I have yet to hear of a case like mine.  Even the doctor can't figure out why I keep having spots popping up.  It shouldn't be this way.  He thinks it may be a genetic disorder but can't know for sure until I have genetic testing.  This could be something that will stop at some point or this may be something I'll have for the rest of my life.  I really don't think I have the strength to continue with these surgeries.  I'm not sure my body could handle it.  It's a scary thing to think about but I've been giving this all to God and having faith that He will help.  He knows my future and all I can do is trust in him.  Honestly, this experience has drawn me closer to Him.  It's also brought my marriage closer.  I talked about feeling a disconnection to my marriage but recently things have made a sudden change.  Things are good between us.  It's great.  Speaking of my husband, he's doing so great at caring for me.  It's funny because he's usually the one having the surgeries and I'm the one being the caregiver but now the table has turned.  He's been so good and taking over and caring for me.

Those flowers pictured are from my daughter's second grade teacher.  Her and I have been keeping in touch over the summer and she went to her dance recital.  The nice thing about working in the school is becoming friends with the teachers and staff there.  Our neighbors brought us dinner last night and lots of friends have reached out offering help if needed.   It's really nice to know people care. 

My eye is swollen.  It looks like I was in a boxing match.  But it will heal.  I'm feeling thankful that these surgeries could happen in the summer when I'm off work.  I can't drive all week. 

This hasn't been a fun experience but I know it could be so much worse. 

The Trials of Marriage

This guy just turned 40 and we also recently celebrated 17 years of marriage.  That's 17 years of blessings, trials, forgiveness, and lots of lessons.  This guy is someone I get to call my best friend as well as husband.  He's always been the one who could make me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing at all ... but these days with adulthood bringing on lots of stresses and worries it's hard to find that time to laugh too often anymore.  Both of us struggle to find patience and calmness.  It's something we both need to work on so we can better handle this stage of life we are in.  You know, the stage where he spends 8 hours at work and then comes home and has to eat a quick meal I've had to put together early so that he can rush out the door to take our son to either baseball or scouts, or I have to rush to take our daughter to dance.  Then we all gather again in the evening but we are too busy spending time with the kids and getting them to follow their nighttime routine.  By the end of the night we sit on the couch together and enjoy some peace and quiet while watching television before bed.  At that point I'm too tired for anything ... and I mean ... anything. 

Then we wake up and do it all over again.  And again.  And again.

We focus so much on the kids and on the house and along the way we are drifting apart.  I'm drifting.  It's just been hard.  I know this is typical for a lot of married couples.   I've always felt that the couple need to always stay close and connected, especially during the years of raising children.  Children can be so consuming of us in many ways and it's easy to neglect the spouse. When the children are grown and it's just the two of us again, if we fail to stay connected, the spark in our marriage will go out.  That's a very dangerous thing.  I can feel the spark flickering and it's challenging.  There are moments when I want to hug him and love on him and there are moments when I just want to be left alone.

In my personal life I managed to find my relationship with God getting stronger and I've been focusing on that lately more than anything.  I feel it's so important.  I go to him in prayer often and ask for all sorts of help in every aspect of my life.  I've really been praying for my marriage and for me to be able to see my husband through His [God's] eyes.  During my prayers so much has been revealed to me.  Things like what I could do to strengthen our marriage during this stage of our lives and my eyes have been opening to understand and focus on the demands my husband has in his life. 

He works a full-time job and there were times when he worked a second part-time job on top of it.  He takes charge of all the bill paying, which means he also handles the stress of finances.  That's a big job.  He also comes home tired and to a house that isn't always the cleanest and the kids are sometimes fighting.  He also suffers with arthritis and is always in pain.  He looks into my tired eyes and begs for something I can do to relieve his pain and often he gets a no and that can be frustrating to him.  I haven't really taken too much time to look deeply into his eyes and focus on his needs.  He begs for intimacy because it's a way we can get close and reconnect, but without the emotional connection it's so hard for me to get into the physical connection.  It's something I need to work on because with all he does he deserves something he yearns for.  I understand it now and I'm working on it.

We'll get there.  We will get back on track.  I know it's going to have to start with me and with the help of God.  He deserves so much more than what he's been given.  We may have gotten off track but it's going to be okay.  It's the trials of marriage.  We all go through it.

He's a wonderful man, husband and father. I'm going to make sure he has a pretty awesome Father's Day. 

The Greatest Circus

She did it!

After a year of driving back and forth to the dance studio for classes, picture day, and the rehearsals it was time for her show.  These kids worked so hard all year and put on a fantastic performance called "The Greatest Circus."

This was my girl's fourth year of dancing and she wants to keep going.  I'm so proud of her.  She does so well with keeping up with the dancers that are a bit older and taller than her.  I was able to snap some pictures during dress rehearsal since we aren't really supposed to be taking them during the actual show.

The first night of rehearsal was for the first act, which was all ballet.  The second day was the second act, which was everything else.  This year, aside from ballet, she performed in Praise 1 and Tap.

I enjoy watching these shows so much.  I'm thrilled that my daughter loves to dance and wants to keep going.  This is something I gave up as a child and later regretted it.  I'm sure if she ever tells me she wants to stop I'll be crushed but it's whatever she wants.  So far she's eager to keep going until graduation.  She's so good and I know she'll get better.  Dance isn't easy and this year she learned about quick costume changes. 

We watched along with my parents and her second grade teacher and husband.  We are so thankful for everyone who can be a part of our childrens' lives. 

And now that we are done with baseball and dance we can rest just a little bit. 

Sunday Morning

I woke up about an hour and a half before everyone else did and that's often unusual.  My son is an early bird and will wake up before the rest of us.  However, this morning was different and the peace and quiet of the morning was enjoyable.

I made a pot of coffee and took a cup outside to my back porch.  I sat there and enjoyed the sounds of nature, with my cup of hot and delicious brew, and a conversation with Jesus.  There were the chattering of birds around me and a squirrel who amusingly found his way up a pole and into the neighbor's bird feeder.  Admittedly, the time I take to converse with my Lord isn't as often as it should be.  Lately, I've been having a hard time with a lot of things and this was an opportunity to give it all to Him.  I've been struggling with a lot of emotions and a lot of thoughts that have been affecting my day to day life.  It's been affecting my mood and how I've been handling so many things from my marriage, to my parenting, and to how I see life in general.  It all went to God.  The things I've faced in my past that seems to want to continuously creep up on me, the things currently going on, the unknowns of my future ... all went to my loving God.  He took it all and I could instantly feel the freedom of all those burdens I was bearing.  I felt a sense of peace and ready to start the day.  I thought it would be best to grab my Bible that has been sitting on my nightstand but I didn't want the risk of waking up my husband.  I was enjoying the moment too much.  It was at least an hour of talking to the One who had the power of changing me and comforting me.  That was so needed and something I'll have to try to put into every morning.  

My son woke up and we snuggled on the couch as he read his book.  Then my husband and daughter woke up.  My daughter asked if I could read with her.  Every day they are to read for the library's summer reading and so far they've been doing amazing with it.  Throughout everything, even the bickering between my kids, I was able to handle it so much better.

I even took this positive energy and used it on getting some major cleaning done.  I really hate to clean on this day of Sabbath but since every other day in the week is filled with so many events it's hard to focus on what needs done inside the house.  So much clutter.  So much dust and dirt always finds it's way all around, even moments after I've cleaned.  My goal for 2019 was to rid the house of as much as possible and that's been a slow process.  Our development held a yard sale over the weekend and my husband took charge of it and although we got rid of a lot there's still so much more laying around.  My son, heading into the preteen years, was eager to get rid of a ton of toys where my daughter, almost eight, was having a hard time saying goodbye to anything she owned.  I realized this is a process I can't rush with this sensitive and sentimental girl.  Her willingness to let go will come with time.  I'm just hoping that the less clutter will result in more peace of mind and less anxiety for me. 

Today, is a good day!

"Cast all your cares on HIM because HE cares for you." -- 1 Peter 5:7

Living The Baseball Mom Life

I knew when we found out we were having a boy that he would one day play baseball.  My husband played as a child and he coached his nephew's team.  It seemed that having our son try the game would be inevitable.  From t-ball to 12U I have sat through many games cheering him on and also feeling frustrated when something went wrong.  There have been several careless mistakes, or just bad calls from the umpire, but that has turned into a lot of growth and lessons learned.  He's so much better than he was before and I'm super proud of him for sticking it out and enjoying the game.  He has the heart for this sport.  Even when he's not on the field he's in the backyard swinging his bat.  I'm sure he's out there imagining he's in the big leagues ... hey, maybe someday. 

Last evening was his last game of the season and a big part of me is actually glad.  This was a long season and often frustrating.  Not because of anything he did.  In fact, I'd say this was his personal best season yet.  They lost every game and it was agony to watch.  I would often grow frustrated at the coach, and he's my husband, by the way.  I've heard comments from other parents sitting close to me.  The players were becoming frustrated with themselves or with others on the team.  It was a rough one but they got through it.  As the season went on they grew stronger and played better and hopefully they take these lessons and apply them next year. 

Last night my son made 5 outs, 3 of them being in one inning.  One player referred to him as the MVP of the game.  Every game, no matter how it's played, he's always my MVP.  He plays his best as catcher and second base.  Who knows what position he'll be when he plays for high school but I'm going to continue to look forward to watching him play. 

So often I hear kids say they don't want to play the sport but their parents make them.  Parents, don't do that to your children.  Let them try new things but make sure it brings them happiness.  Baseball is a great sport that teaches sportsmanship, team work and has plenty of room to teach them how to grow and adapt.  I'm glad he enjoys it so much.  

This is one proud baseball mom. 

See ya on the field next spring!

Hello Summer Vacation

And just like that another school year is over.  I cannot believe it.  I finished my second year in the cafeteria, my daughter is done with second grade and my son is done with fifth grade.  The year seemed to be dragging until the very end.  It was a good year.  The ladies that were giving me a hard time last year left in the beginning of this year and the new ladies I work with are great.  We work well as a team and I'm very much appreciative of that.  I was offered my old full-time job back that I had before I became a mom but I'm not ready for it.  The money would really help but nothing brings me more joy and comfort knowing that I can be home when my kids are home and not having to put them in the hands of someone else to watch them.  Both of my kids have both grown and matured this year and although my daughter struggled academically she managed to make it through.  I'm thankful for her teacher who always communicated with me.  

Now with school over things are starting to settle down.  Tonight is my son's last game of baseball and next week my daughter will perform in her dance recital.  The following week will be my second out of three surgeries for skin cancer.  I haven't given my kids the details yet because if my daughter knows when my surgery is she'll want to be home with me.  Instead, I need them to spend at least a few nights at my parents'.  I know they will have fun.  

One of the things we like to do over the summer is participate in the library's Summer Reading Club.  This is where the kids read and log their minutes.  Every 200 minutes earn them a prize and I can't believe my kids have reached 200 minutes in less than a week.  Whoa!  That's a record for both of them.  The library also helps out with another program called GO (Get Outdoors) York, which is where they have 30 different posts with rubbings set up in different parks across the county.  This is a wonderful program that includes trying to find clues while getting exercise and at the end you find a post with a rubbing on it.  You mark the rubbing on a sheet and the more rubbings you do the better chance you have as a prize.  We have yet to get all 30 but my son is determined this year.  My daughter, on the other hand, would rather stick to only the easier ones.  I'm hoping we can get at least 10 in before my surgery.  I'm not sure what my face will look like then.  They will be working on one side and a few weeks later working on the other.  I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be spent hiding my face at home.  Ugh.  

Today we started the hikes.  We managed to get two done and brought our little black pug with us.  Murphy isn't always the most friendliest and would rather stay home and sleep but he needs some exercise.  The first park we went to had a dog park in it and lots of dogs walking around.  He didn't seem to mind.  

Off we went reading clues and trying to figure out where to go. 

Here's my son reading from the book of clues. 

It's always a relief when we can find the post. 

1 done.  29 to go!

Even though my daughter was complaining of being tired we managed to get a second one finished.  She was happy to see there was a playground there and I let them stop and play a little.  I also had to bribe her with an ice cream sandwich when we got home. 

Oh yeah, now we're 2 down.  28 to go!