Sunday Morning

I woke up about an hour and a half before everyone else did and that's often unusual.  My son is an early bird and will wake up before the rest of us.  However, this morning was different and the peace and quiet of the morning was enjoyable.

I made a pot of coffee and took a cup outside to my back porch.  I sat there and enjoyed the sounds of nature, with my cup of hot and delicious brew, and a conversation with Jesus.  There were the chattering of birds around me and a squirrel who amusingly found his way up a pole and into the neighbor's bird feeder.  Admittedly, the time I take to converse with my Lord isn't as often as it should be.  Lately, I've been having a hard time with a lot of things and this was an opportunity to give it all to Him.  I've been struggling with a lot of emotions and a lot of thoughts that have been affecting my day to day life.  It's been affecting my mood and how I've been handling so many things from my marriage, to my parenting, and to how I see life in general.  It all went to God.  The things I've faced in my past that seems to want to continuously creep up on me, the things currently going on, the unknowns of my future ... all went to my loving God.  He took it all and I could instantly feel the freedom of all those burdens I was bearing.  I felt a sense of peace and ready to start the day.  I thought it would be best to grab my Bible that has been sitting on my nightstand but I didn't want the risk of waking up my husband.  I was enjoying the moment too much.  It was at least an hour of talking to the One who had the power of changing me and comforting me.  That was so needed and something I'll have to try to put into every morning.  

My son woke up and we snuggled on the couch as he read his book.  Then my husband and daughter woke up.  My daughter asked if I could read with her.  Every day they are to read for the library's summer reading and so far they've been doing amazing with it.  Throughout everything, even the bickering between my kids, I was able to handle it so much better.

I even took this positive energy and used it on getting some major cleaning done.  I really hate to clean on this day of Sabbath but since every other day in the week is filled with so many events it's hard to focus on what needs done inside the house.  So much clutter.  So much dust and dirt always finds it's way all around, even moments after I've cleaned.  My goal for 2019 was to rid the house of as much as possible and that's been a slow process.  Our development held a yard sale over the weekend and my husband took charge of it and although we got rid of a lot there's still so much more laying around.  My son, heading into the preteen years, was eager to get rid of a ton of toys where my daughter, almost eight, was having a hard time saying goodbye to anything she owned.  I realized this is a process I can't rush with this sensitive and sentimental girl.  Her willingness to let go will come with time.  I'm just hoping that the less clutter will result in more peace of mind and less anxiety for me. 

Today, is a good day!

"Cast all your cares on HIM because HE cares for you." -- 1 Peter 5:7

Living The Baseball Mom Life

I knew when we found out we were having a boy that he would one day play baseball.  My husband played as a child and he coached his nephew's team.  It seemed that having our son try the game would be inevitable.  From t-ball to 12U I have sat through many games cheering him on and also feeling frustrated when something went wrong.  There have been several careless mistakes, or just bad calls from the umpire, but that has turned into a lot of growth and lessons learned.  He's so much better than he was before and I'm super proud of him for sticking it out and enjoying the game.  He has the heart for this sport.  Even when he's not on the field he's in the backyard swinging his bat.  I'm sure he's out there imagining he's in the big leagues ... hey, maybe someday. 

Last evening was his last game of the season and a big part of me is actually glad.  This was a long season and often frustrating.  Not because of anything he did.  In fact, I'd say this was his personal best season yet.  They lost every game and it was agony to watch.  I would often grow frustrated at the coach, and he's my husband, by the way.  I've heard comments from other parents sitting close to me.  The players were becoming frustrated with themselves or with others on the team.  It was a rough one but they got through it.  As the season went on they grew stronger and played better and hopefully they take these lessons and apply them next year. 

Last night my son made 5 outs, 3 of them being in one inning.  One player referred to him as the MVP of the game.  Every game, no matter how it's played, he's always my MVP.  He plays his best as catcher and second base.  Who knows what position he'll be when he plays for high school but I'm going to continue to look forward to watching him play. 

So often I hear kids say they don't want to play the sport but their parents make them.  Parents, don't do that to your children.  Let them try new things but make sure it brings them happiness.  Baseball is a great sport that teaches sportsmanship, team work and has plenty of room to teach them how to grow and adapt.  I'm glad he enjoys it so much.  

This is one proud baseball mom. 

See ya on the field next spring!

Hello Summer Vacation

And just like that another school year is over.  I cannot believe it.  I finished my second year in the cafeteria, my daughter is done with second grade and my son is done with fifth grade.  The year seemed to be dragging until the very end.  It was a good year.  The ladies that were giving me a hard time last year left in the beginning of this year and the new ladies I work with are great.  We work well as a team and I'm very much appreciative of that.  I was offered my old full-time job back that I had before I became a mom but I'm not ready for it.  The money would really help but nothing brings me more joy and comfort knowing that I can be home when my kids are home and not having to put them in the hands of someone else to watch them.  Both of my kids have both grown and matured this year and although my daughter struggled academically she managed to make it through.  I'm thankful for her teacher who always communicated with me.  

Now with school over things are starting to settle down.  Tonight is my son's last game of baseball and next week my daughter will perform in her dance recital.  The following week will be my second out of three surgeries for skin cancer.  I haven't given my kids the details yet because if my daughter knows when my surgery is she'll want to be home with me.  Instead, I need them to spend at least a few nights at my parents'.  I know they will have fun.  

One of the things we like to do over the summer is participate in the library's Summer Reading Club.  This is where the kids read and log their minutes.  Every 200 minutes earn them a prize and I can't believe my kids have reached 200 minutes in less than a week.  Whoa!  That's a record for both of them.  The library also helps out with another program called GO (Get Outdoors) York, which is where they have 30 different posts with rubbings set up in different parks across the county.  This is a wonderful program that includes trying to find clues while getting exercise and at the end you find a post with a rubbing on it.  You mark the rubbing on a sheet and the more rubbings you do the better chance you have as a prize.  We have yet to get all 30 but my son is determined this year.  My daughter, on the other hand, would rather stick to only the easier ones.  I'm hoping we can get at least 10 in before my surgery.  I'm not sure what my face will look like then.  They will be working on one side and a few weeks later working on the other.  I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be spent hiding my face at home.  Ugh.  

Today we started the hikes.  We managed to get two done and brought our little black pug with us.  Murphy isn't always the most friendliest and would rather stay home and sleep but he needs some exercise.  The first park we went to had a dog park in it and lots of dogs walking around.  He didn't seem to mind.  

Off we went reading clues and trying to figure out where to go. 

Here's my son reading from the book of clues. 

It's always a relief when we can find the post. 

1 done.  29 to go!

Even though my daughter was complaining of being tired we managed to get a second one finished.  She was happy to see there was a playground there and I let them stop and play a little.  I also had to bribe her with an ice cream sandwich when we got home. 

Oh yeah, now we're 2 down.  28 to go!

Busy Season

May is probably our busiest month of the year.  Lots of birthdays to celebrate, including my husband's, and our wedding anniversary.  My son's baseball games, an upcoming band concert and his cub scout Blue & God banquet.  This year's banquet was very special because after 5 years of hard work he bridged over to Boy Scouts. 

When I signed him up for cub scouts they were desperately seeking den leaders and asked my husband if he was interested.  So, he took on the role as one of the leaders.  After a few years the pack had closed so they moved to another pack.  The scouts has given our son so many amazing experiences and opportunities.  He mentioned how he didn't want to move to the Boy Scouts and my husband really wanted him to so I told him to at least give it one year.  I'm so proud of him and all he's accomplished so far.  He really does work hard. 

It was important for me to have children who keep busy.  I don't want them sitting around in front of screens all the time.  However, sometimes I feel like we've put them in too much but they seem to be handling it well.  It's my husband and I that tend to go crazy.  All the driving around from one event to another ... but it's really been worth it. 

My daughter's dance recital is in June and she'll be in 3 different dances.  She's got picture day coming up next weekend and soon will have to put in extra rehearsals. 

Yes, it's a busy month. 

The last day of school is May 31st and I'm sort of ready for it.  I'm ready for the break from work.  Listening to loud children and constantly wiping up their messes in the cafeteria can get to be too much.  However, I'm not ready to see my children move up to another grade.  I'm not ready for them to grow up anymore.  We can all use the break, though. 

The summer schedule is already filling up.  My son will have two weeks of band camp and one week of scout camp.  I have two surgeries scheduled for my skin cancer.  Hopefully we can find plenty of fun times and hopefully plenty of relaxing. 

Because of my surgeries and having so much to do I decided to hold off on gardening this year.  The less I have to keep up with the better.  I'm hoping that what has been our gardening area can be turned into a nice patio. I'm just waiting for my husband to buy the pavers so we can get busy on it. 

Well, that's my latest update. 

Tidying Up

I have the goal to get my home organized and de-cluttered this year.  We just have so much stuff.  I would love to be a minimalist if possible.  I really believe that seeing all this clutter and stuff in my home is a cause of stress for me and if we had less things laying around it would help a lot.  My home has become unorganized chaos. 

I found a show on Netflix called "Tidying Up" and decided to watch it.  The show is about Marie Kondo, a Japanese author and organizing expert who goes into homes teaching families about her "Konmari method" of cleaning.  This show really helped me to discover different tips and tricks for organization. 

Her recommendation is to first go through clothes.  Take all of your clothes and put them on the bed.  Take the time to hold each piece of clothes and if it doesn't bring you joy don't keep it.  If it does give you joy keep it.  I started by going through my closet and managed to get rid of a lot of clothing I didn't like or I hadn't worn in a long time.  My closet looks so much nicer.  Then I went through the drawers.  She taught a way to fold the clothes and how to put them away.  I had always stacked my clothes facing down and on top of each other.  She actually recommends putting clothes away face up.  I love this way because I'm able to see every piece of clothing instead of having to rummage through the shirts to find what I want. 

I did the same for my daughter's drawers.  She always took a shirt out but managed to unfold all other shirts in the process and it's apparently not easy for a 7 year old to know how to refold those clothes.  Now she can see each shirt that's in her drawer and pull out what she wants. 

She then suggests going through books, paper, komono (kitchen, bathroom, garage and miscellaneous), and then sentimental items last.  With each category gather all of the belongings and only keep the things that "spark joy."  She's not pushy with having to get rid of things and respects those things that are sentimental.  For the things that we decide to keep she recommends finding appropriate storage.  I already took her advice on clothing and I will use some of her teachings towards the other items too. 

I'm determined to make my house look more presentable. 

Disconnect

This photo was taken in the spring of 2007 when my husband and I took a trip to the Poconos.  This monkey looks the same way I feel so I thought this was an appropriate picture to show.  Alone, sad, feeling disconnected from the outside.  Yep, that's me.  That's how I feel. 

I'm sure a lot has to do with my depression but it's also so much of everything else that's been going on lately.  I've been looking back on many things I've done and decisions I made and am feeling the regret of every single one of them.  I'm just not happy with who I am and I'm not happy with the direction my life went.  Who I am is all because of the decisions I've made.  I'm not blaming God.  I'm not blaming anyone else.  Just me. 

I was an unhappy child who had hopes that my adulthood would turn out so much better.  I was going to turn my life around and live this fascinating life.  Nope.  I'm 40 years old, been around for 4 decades, and I have nothing great to show for it ... except my kids, of course.  They are the reason I keep going.

I've been feeling a strong disconnect from my marriage and a lack of desire to work on it.  I spend so much time cleaning up a house that never gets clean, not even slightly decent.  It's a big house but the rooms are small and there is little storage.  Moving to a bigger home isn't financially possible, I guess.  I don't like it here.  But I'm stuck.  I had skin cancer surgery a few months ago and have to wear this ugly scar on my face and then come to find out there are more spots that will need removed as soon as possible.  The cost of having this done is insane, with or without insurance.  My husband tells me it's his job to worry about the finances but yes I worry.  My son is on a baseball team in another town.  All the parents know each other because their kids go to the same school.  I feel like an outsider.  My husband doesn't want him in our own league because that league is terribly run, but I'm not connected to the other parents and my son isn't connected to those other kids.  If my son were to play for his high school then he will end up playing against these kids he's currently with.  He has no connection to them nor is he able to connect with kids from his own school.  It just doesn't feel right.  I sit alone while the other parents talk about some school event all their kids were in or the high school's football game they attended.  I could probably join in and make some sort of conversation with them but that isn't so easy because along with depression comes social anxiety.

I'm hoping this is all just a funk that will pass but I don't know.  I have a long journey ahead with this skin cancer.  The doctor is perplexed and can't figure out what's going on and it's his living to know.  This alone is enough to bring me down but then adds on so much more.   My blog is titled A Little Bit of Sunshine because my intent was to be uplifting and encouraging with it, but I'm in the middle of a dark storm right now.  The sun is currently not shining ... literally and figuratively. 

Our Walt Disney Adventure Ends - Going Home

Friday came by fast and it was time to say goodbye.  We said goodbye to the hotel and to Disney.  Whenever I'm on vacation I always look forward to going home, but this vacation seemed to have flown by too fast.  I also felt sad that the vacation started with cold weather and some frustrating circumstances.  Still, it was an amazing trip and one I don't want to forget.  Before we headed for Disney my husband said this would be the only time we would go but then he said he would love to go back ... someday.

We dropped off our luggage at the front and almost missed the bus that was taking us to the airport.  It was a relief that the driver was willing to wait "5 minutes" for my husband to get back from dropping off our luggage.  The bus showed a video that was saying goodbye to us and hoping we enjoyed our trip.  I felt some tears sliding down my cheek.  I didn't want it to end.  As expensive as the trip was it was the best.

We got to the Orlando airport and headed to DC.  As we were waiting for the next flight I noticed a familiar face and couldn't believe it.  Have you every watched America's Got Talent?  Season 12 winner ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer stood with her parents not far from where we were sitting.  She was my daughter's favorite on the show.  If you never had the opportunity to watch Darci Lynne on the show look her up.  She's amazing.  I've never seen a ventriloquist being able to sing opera through a puppet.  Amazing.  When I saw her I mentioned it to the family but I was not sure if it would be right to go up to her.  Sometimes celebrities don't want to be bothered.  My husband took our daughter over and she seemed thrilled to see her little fan and her mother seemed so full of joy over it.

I immediately emailed the picture to my dad and he couldn't believe it.  He's also a fan of her.  That was definitely a pretty cool way to end the vacation.

Somehow we missed the first call to board our plane and rushed when we heard them make the final call.  We made it.  Whew!  However, because of the snow we had to wait for the plane to get deiced.  It was a long wait but finally we took off.  Back into Pennsylvania we were.

We made it home, my husband picked up our dog from the kennel, and we just spent the rest of the day relaxing.  I was exhausted, tried finding the energy to unpack and was just not ready to get back to reality.

We booked our Disney trip through a travel agency called My Mickey Vacation.  Since it was our first trip I wanted to have someone help in case we miss something.  We bought plenty of fast passes, dinner reservations and the photo pass.  It was all worth it.  I hope the opportunity comes again and that we can afford another trip.  It may not be until the kids are teenagers but I'm so eager to go back and experience it again.

I loved being a kid again! Thank you Walt Disney World for the magic!

*Please make sure you go back to catch all 4 days of our trip.
 Day 1 Magic Kingdom
Day 2 Epcot
Day 3 Magic Kingdom 
Day 4 Animal Kingdom