Always Changing

I'm also posting this on my other blog Dawn Marie Writes.  My writing style on that blog is more formal and I will be using that more when it comes to future writing and sharing with the public.  


 I've been in this life for 40 years.  That's 40 years of mistakes, wrong choices and a lot of learning.  I'm still learning.  I will keep on learning.  I've also done a lot of changing.  Who I was twenty years ago is not the person I am today.  I'm even different from the person I was ONE year ago.  I can't tell you the number of times I've looked back and thought wow what was I thinking?

I'm also a woman of faith and have taken so many of my concerns to God.  In the last few years I've been very consistent in praying for God to change my heart and He's constantly working with me on doing just that.  The changes are already taking place.  Having once been someone who could have so easily lashed out on someone for saying something to make me mad has now been replaced with a subtle giggle and my feet leading me away from the situation.  When I used to be so sensitive to the opinions of others I'm now finding myself caring less.

I used to spend my time posting a lot of controversial things on my Facebook page.  It was only when certain political or news topics came up and a lot of people were posting about it.  I decided to share my two cents for a few reasons: one, I wanted those who share the same views as me to see that they aren't alone and two, I wanted those on the opposing side to see a different point of view.  Even though social media has become such a great platform to share thoughts on certain matters I've realized that it's just not worth it.  Are people really listening anyway?  I can say that anytime I log onto Facebook, Twitter or Instagram I become annoyed whenever someone is sharing a political thought or a current news story.  Social media should be fun.  If I'm having a stressful day I want a place to go to for a moment where I can escape reality and cheer up for a bit.  I took a few breaks here and there from Facebook and came back with a much different attitude.  Unless it's an update about my life or something positive, I'm not posting it.  It's the same as if I don't have anything nice to say I'm not saying it.

I also realize that we all come from different backgrounds, families and experiences.  What I feel is right may not be what someone else feels is right and that's okay.  Someone may be making some really bad choices and we naturally feel quick to want to judge them - but remember - we all mess up at one time or another.  God doesn't judge one sin worse than the other.  I also believe we all have the ability to change.  If we mess up, as Christians we know we can go to God and ask for forgiveness.  Once he forgives us we are washed clean of it and can move on to better ourselves.  At that point what we had once done doesn't matter anymore.

Why am I writing all of this?  Because I'm tired of being judged by others in regards to who I used to be.  I recently was being insulted (and maybe he meant it jokingly but I still get tired of it) on the kind of person I was eighteen years ago.  He brought up things that really didn't matter anymore and this particular person seems to want to do that every time I see him.  Trust me when I say, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to beating myself up over all the things I've done.  I do not need a reminder from others.  Besides, I'm not that person anymore.  I'm not perfect now but I'm so much better than what I used to be.  I'm still maturing, still growing, and still learning.

During a time when these people were talking very rudely about me (mostly behind my back but I heard about it) I felt very hurt and confused.  Then my husband said something that I try to implement now, "If they don't live here with us then their opinion doesn't matter."  Truly, that's so important to realize.  If you aren't with me every single day then you have no right to judge how I live my life.  If you don't know the battles I'm fighting in my head and what God is working with me on then you have no right to judge the kind of person I am - even my husband doesn't know what I pray about and we share the same bed.

I'm a work in progress so please respect that and don't continue to hold me accountable for the person I was yesterday.  I'm learning not to judge others too.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

A Quick Hello

It's been almost a month since I updated.  Life has been busy.  The house is always in need of attention and it doesn't matter how much time I spend on house cleaning there is ALWAYS a mess everywhere.  Also, we spent a week vacationing in Disney World and I can't wait to update on that.  I've started on some spring cleaning, doing just a little bit at a time.  In the midst of everything we also bought a new car.  All of this I will update soon, I promise. 

As for my last post, I'm doing a lot better.  The week after the surgery had me feeling really down and depressed.  The wound has become a scar and it's slowly fading.  The unfortunate thing is that the doctor found more skin cancer spots that will need surgery.  Ugh.  I can't believe it.  I'm hoping that those surgeries can be done in the summer when I'm off work.  I'll have more than just one scar on my face but eventually covering it with makeup should do the trick.  So far I've been applying vitamin E during the day and wearing a scar patch at night. 

I just wanted to take a moment to jump on here but now it's time to get back to the cleaning before the kids get home. 

Oh, and this is the last day of winter and I can't express how happy I am about that.  I'm enjoying the sunshine and the return of the robins and doves. 

Actions And Words Can Hurt

I was not looking forward to going back to work after my procedure and each day this week was exactly as I knew it would be.

It was nothing but the kids staring at me.  Some of them bumped into walls or almost spilled their trays because they were staring directly at me with a look of shock on their faces.

There were a lot of "what happened to your face?"

Then there were a few who felt the need to tell me my face looks disgusting.  Those two girls are in my daughters class and I didn't keep quiet with their teacher about it.

I don't mind the questions and the curiosity from children.  My face really does look horrible.  In the beginning of the week I kept a big bandage on my face but by the end of the week when the stitches came out I felt okay about just leaving it open.  I'm trying to make this healing process go as quickly as possible; however, I know there will be a scar for a very long time.  I just don't understand why anyone thinks staring at someone is appropriate.  I also find the "disgusting" comments to be very disrespectful and very inappropriate.  By the time you are in second grade you've heard it said enough times that bullying or any mean comments is not okay.  It was very hurtful, especially coming from kids I've worked with while volunteering in the classroom or being so nice to them during lunch.  I'm already feeling so depressed and down in the dumps over this whole procedure.  I look in the mirror and want to cry.  In fact, I have.  Then I dread those hours at work when I know the kids are going to stare and ask questions.  It reached a point that so many kids have asked and I just tell them to not worry about it.

It's not hard to show others kindness.  We have enough mean people in this world.  That's what I always tell my kids.

I also realize that a small spot of skin cancer on my face is nothing compared to what others go through.  I'm actually very thankful that it wasn't some other form of cancer or something else that could be life threatening.  I still have my health.  This was just the effects of loving the sun too much. 

Skin Cancer

I had a post written about my experience with having surgery to remove skin cancer but then I deleted it.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to have it posted publicly but here I am posting it again.  My blog is to share my experiences as something to look back on so this experience is a major part of my life.  It also makes as a good reminder of the importance of taking care of skin and protecting it from the sun.  I failed to do so and now I'm paying for it. 

Today was my first day back to work and back in the public since the surgery.  As expected there were a lot of stares and "what happened?" questions from the students.  It didn't bother me because I know children are curious.  I told them I had surgery and was covering up a boo boo.  I wonder why some kids think it's okay to stare but I just looked away and carried on with something else.  Plus, the job is only three hours so I was in and out of there.  It's a little embarrassing and a little uncomfortable to walk around like this.  But it is what it is.  I'm also kicking myself for having this surgery done just a few weeks before our big trip to Disney.  I'm going to have a nice looking scar for all the photos. 

The surgery was last Thursday.  Valentine's Day.  I made sure I bought some chocolates for the husband and kids but that's as far as I went with celebrating.  My husband did a wonderful job of taking care of me and spoiling all of us that day.  We woke up extra early and they dropped me off at the doctor, and then my husband made sure the kids made it to school before returning to the doctor's office.  I was scheduled to have the Moh's Surgery and it went well.  I was told it could take 2 - 4 hours.  First the doctor had to remove the cancer that he saw, spend some time looking under a microscope to see if it was all gone while I was in the waiting room for an hour and a half and then I was called back to see if more needed removed.  Luckily it only took that one round and all they had to do was stitch me up.  When it was all over my husband took me home and I was just too exhausted and depressed to do anything so I crawled in my bed and turned on the television.  A nap would have been nice but I wasn't able to fall asleep until a few hours later.  The kids had an early dismissal and my husband kept them entertained while I rested.  I spent the rest of the evening laying in bed with ice on my face.  Except for when I enjoyed a delicious dinner made by my sweetheart. 

Friday was a scheduled in-service day so the kids were home from school.  I was still feeling very tired but did my best to be there for the kids while I rested.  My daughter did a great job at wanting to help out and made sure I didn't do any housework.  That was my entire weekend.  Just resting in bed with an ice pack on my face.  I also wanted to just hide from the world.  I missed my son's last Pinewood Derby with the cub scouts and I also missed church.  I just hid in my room watching Gilmore Girl episodes on Netflix.  That was a pretty horrible weekend.

Today is President's Day and we were supposed to have the day off but because of missing a day from snow last week today was the makeup day.  I would have really loved that extra day off.  I went into work and tried my best to hide as much as I could in the kitchen but I was also working at the trash can so I would have to see every student that threw out their lunch.  I received a lot of stares and some "what happened to you?"  I explained that I had surgery.  They understood.  It didn't bother me as much as I anticipated.  I have a white bandage covering the incision and it's pretty ridiculous looking.  It's only temporary.  Then I'll have a scar for awhile.  I would have really like to have waited until summer vacation to get this done but it's done now.  At least the skin cancer has been removed.  There is no guarantee it will not come back but from this point on I will do a lot better at taking care of myself.

And here it is, if you can stand it.

The mark is lightening up and the dissolvable stitches are starting to come off.   I'm hoping this experience will teach my children that when I tell them they need to put sunscreen on before going outside that they will now understand why. 

It's Time To Write

It's the second day in a row where the kids are off school due to weather.  My kids are currently absorbed in an old episode of Garfield and I'm sitting here on the couch next to them typing this up.  It's been a mess of snow and freezing rain outside and the days of school missed will be made up next Monday and in April.  I love the quality time with my kids these days off brings but I also like a normal routine.  Tomorrow will be a normal schedule, hopefully.  On Thursday will be a scheduled early dismissal and we've arranged to have my parents watch the kids.  I will be going under the knife finally getting the skin cancer on my face removed.  Everyone expects me to be scared and I don't feel scared.  I feel annoyed at myself for not having taken better care of myself.  I'm so adamant with my kids about wearing sun screen every time they step outside but I've neglected myself.  Now I'm paying for it.  Friday is a scheduled teacher in-service day and I'm thankful for that.  With a big bandage on my face I plan to go into hiding for awhile.  I have other spots of skin cancer too.  Ugh. 

In the middle of so much chaos that's going on in my life I've been feeling strongly led to start going forward with a childhood dream of mine.  I have always wanted to be a writer.  I mean, a novelist.  I have put that dream on the back burner for a long time but when I turned 40 I realized that if I'm going to make this dream a reality I better do so now.  I have many ideas in my head but it's hard to figure out how to make a story go from beginning to end.  I took some time to really think about an idea and have even prayed about it.  Then it hit me.  I have a book idea in my head.  Every word and every detail.  It has a purpose.  It's inspirational.  It's exactly what my first novel should be.  I'm excited. 

I've already managed to get through most of the first chapter and I know where I'm going to take the story next.  It's so amazing.  My problem is finding the time to get it all down.  It's going to take some time and when the writing part is done it's going to be an adventure finding a publisher.  I'm prepared for heartache.  I'm prepared for failure.  But I'm not going to give up.  I also would love to see this accomplished while my parents are both still alive to see it and, considering my mother's condition, time is ticking. 

This book is going to be an inspiration fiction novel for the young adult audience, but I'm hoping even older adults can take something away from it.  This will be a faith-based book but I promise not to get too preachy in it.  In my book I outline the question that we all have asked at one time or another - Why does God allow certain things to happen?  In doing so, I'm creating a sixteen year old character who is going through some tough things. 

I'm going to take some of my own personal experiences and mix it with others.  Everything that could be relatable to anyone.  I feel this is a story I'm really called to write and I'm excited about it.  I'm giving myself to the end of the year to have it all finished, which gives me enough time to write a little here and there.  I have far too many priorities that come first; however, this is on my bucket list. 

This week we celebrate Valentines Day and even though I'll be spending the morning in surgery I am going to do my best at making it a good day for the husband and kids.  My parents are going to join my daughter for lunch in the classroom (it's a surprise) and then take both kids home.  I'm not sure what kind of mood I'll be in after the surgery and I'm sure I'll want to hide my bandaged face but I'll have some goodies waiting for everyone.  Wish me luck!

By the way, HI ROB! 

It's Monday, Again!

In 50 minutes the kids will be getting off the bus and I wonder what happened to the day?  As busy as things get I love taking a time out to sit back and relax in peace and quiet.  I love my me time.  The mornings always start with two energetic and loud children and it will be that way again shortly.  So before I dive back into more housework I wanted to give myself a few moments to sit back and enjoy the silence while blogging and reading up on some of my favorite blogs.   

 This is how my daughter felt about the super bowl.  She is not someone who enjoys sport and gets so annoyed whenever the boys turn on a game.  We usually go into my bedroom and watch one of her girly shows in there but I wanted to stay in the living room and watch the game.  I'm not much for football either and now I'm glad it's over.  I love that my husband and son have that common interest in sports and it's so cute to hear their conversations about it ... but ... I'm glad football season is over.  Thank you, next!

I'm more of a baseball fan and it won't be long before we will be sitting in the sun watching my son play or going to our city's minor league games.  I enjoy the sport but I also enjoy the fresh air.

Last week we reached single digit temperatures and today it's sunny and in the 50's.  It was nice to not have to put on the heavy coat.  I even had the back door open for just a little bit to let some fresh air in and all the germs out.  My kids have been fighting a little something and my husband ended up getting sick this weekend.  This is what happens when the temps are back and forth.  I'm really hoping I'm able to avoid whatever is floating through the air.  Today at work I turned around and saw a fourth grader sitting at the lunch table coughing terribly and NOT covering his mouth.  Ugh.  I hate that.  This is how germs spread.

Today has been a very productive day.  As soon as I put the kids on the bus I got busy with housework.  I vacuumed, dusted, did some laundry, etc.  Over the weekend I did a deep cleaning in my bedroom and started on some reorganizing.  In our room I have a few piles of things clumped in the corners.  I so badly want all of that gone.  I cleared my side of the room and now it's time to go through the other side.  My goal is to see a house that is free of as much clutter as possible.  No more piles.  No more things laying around that we do not use on a daily basis.  Messes and clutter seem to be what gives me anxiety.  I really don't know how any woman is able to keep a spotless house, especially when there are children.  My kids love leaving toys and stuff everywhere and I have to constantly remind them to put everything away.  They are also good at leaving toothpaste all over the counter.  This morning I noticed smear marks on the bathroom mirror and, of course, neither wanted to take responsibility for it.  It's endless.  Every day is a battle of some sort with no end in sight.  I frustrate myself so much with how much cleaning needs done but then I remind myself that there will come a day when the kids will be grown up and all of these toys will be gone and the house will be clean ... and boring.  I can even remember before having kids how clean and empty the house felt.  It will get that way again and I'm sure I will feel depressed about it.  So for now I have to soak it all up and enjoy life for what it is.  Although I would really like to enjoy it all in the midst of a clean and organized home.

First Day Of February

The snow has been falling all day.  I'm shocked that there were no school delays, closings or early dismissals.  Schools are usually so quick to close, even if it's just a warning that snow is on it's way.  But today snow is falling and covering and yet school was in session.  Personally, I don't mind it and I pray everyone makes it home safely but having a school day on a day like his is unusual.

This has been quite a week.  The kids got out early on Tuesday, Wednesday was a 2-hour delay and Thursday was a 3-hour delay.  The school is doing all they can to avoid school closings this year.  Most of the time the closings are unnecessary but I'm all for putting the safety of the kids first.  I also love my quiet time and I'm glad to have some of that today.

When I came home from work I went outside with the dog.  I was hoping to play around with him a bit but he quickly did his business and rushed back into the house.  Snow is not fun for a pug, I guess.  Staying inside under the covers is more his style.  I can't say I blame him. 

Now it's time to get some housework done until the kids get home.  The house is filled with the smell of freshly baked chocolate brownies.